..Tulisan dan kehidupan..

Menulis itu sukar. Sesukar memetik jari. Ya, memetik jari itu bukan sesuatu yang mudah kerana tidak semua orang yang memetik jari akan menghasilkan bunyi.

Aku tak pernah termimpi untuk menulis. Malah, memulakan blog ini hanya dengan niat suka-suka. Tapi bila hati berkata-kata, jari  mula mahu menari-nari menaip baris-baris ayat untuk kepuasan diri. Tak sangka ada juga yang sudi membaca. Kerana pada aku, apa yang aku coretkan hanya pengalaman yang aku lalui, emosi yang aku rasai, keadaan yang aku perhati. Mungkin juga berbunyi teguran atau sindiran. Well, itu juga emosi.

Sedar tak sedar, aku dah menulis lebih daripada 200 entri di 3 blog berbeza mengikut kematangan. Untuk membuka buku yang baru, aku tutup buku yang lama. Maka inilah buku aku yang terbaru.

Bakal bergelar seorang ibu dalam 211 hari lagi, aku teruja dan bersyukur akan kurniaan ALLAH kepadaku. Setelah melalui turun naik kehidupan sebagai kanak-kanak dan remaja, kini aku boleh berbangga untuk menjadi seorang dewasa yang hampir lengkap hidupnya. Kehadiran lelaki yang mencintai aku seadanya membuatkan aku dapat menghayati nilai kehidupan sebenar. Alhamdulillah, sesungguhnya aku amat bersyukur.

Turun naik kehidupan sekeliling aku juga membuatkan aku tersenyum. Ya, ramai rakan-rakanku yang sudah mampu tersenyum kini walaupun aku mungkin tak tahu kesusahan apa yang telah mereka lalui dulu. Mungkin ada segelintir yang masih kelat senyumannya, tapi tetap terus tabah melalui kehidupan seperti aku suatu masa dulu. Bersyukurlah kalian, teruslah bersyukur kerana rezeki ALLAH itu ada dimana-mana.

Sebelum memejam mata malam ini, aku mahu semua orang di sekeliling aku tahu yang aku amat bersyukur dengan kehadiran kalian. Aku sayang semua. Ya, semua. Terima kasih kerana masih mewarnai kisah kehidupan aku. :)

..It's the moment we've awaited..

Alhamdulillah..

As per today, my baby is 6 weeks and 5 days old.. We are excited, and nervous in the same time.. And it's quite early to share my preggy moments since my baby is still small. I couldn't even see any changes to my stomach yet. According to the doctor, my baby's brain is growing fast within this week.

Lots of things I need to do and know and learn and take care of in the same time. Quite puzzled me a bit, but seems like I can cope with almost everything now. Alhamdulillah.. I got this very first chance to have a baby by myself earlier than I ever thought.

Wanna know my pregnancy signs? It's not really normal like everyone seems to have. Well, doctor said, different people have different signs. In the first place I think that I am pregnant because I keep having fever. And I ate twice as much as per normal. So we bought the home pregnancy test kit to check and the result is negative.

So, we continue our life as it is. After 10 days my period is still not coming, and I started to vomit whenever I feel hungry which is not really normal because I can stay without food for about 1 whole day, we've decided to go to the clinic. And yup, that's when I know I am pregnant. After answering all the doctor's questions, I figure out my pregnancy sign.

1. Continuously hungry, and will vomit if I don't eat.
2. Body's temperature is not stable, keeps on changing.
3. Headache all the time.
4. Period is late.
5. Mood swings.

Not normal, is it? Haha. I know. Alhamdulillah, again I feel so grateful as I don't have much difficulties. And I am so very glad to be the chosen one to carry a life inside my womb. Alhamdulillah.. :)

..Nice world..

I am writing this while enjoying my breakfast in the office.. and yes, I can only do this when my manager is on leave (hehe..I love you Teresa.. ;p).. and also yes, I know it's quite a long time since I wrote something in here..

I know I had a nice world when I can come to work with a smile and having no stress, got a time to have breakfast and write something or maybe read something, and continue to work without anyone says anything.. I know I had a nice world when I can have a ladies night out after work with my colleagues or a date with my fiance without thinking of anything.. I know I had a nice world when I can call my mom whenever I want and tell her everything that happened and laughing with her and listen to her version of story..

There are certain times when I forgot that this world is actually very nice.. full of it's own stories.. unique and beautiful stories.. Yup, there's always a sunshine beyond rain.. always a good time beyond pain.. It's just depends on how we appreciate this world.. our world.. others' world..

2012 is nearly coming.. very near.. I am ready to face anything in front.. being tough is tough, but everything that has passed in this year always made me stronger and stronger.. made me knew myself well.. I am 23.. and will be 24.. and I guess I will be matured enough to create a beautiful world of mine..

2012.. I will be a 24 years old lady.. will be leaving old bitter stories of mine.. will carry forward sweet memories of 23 years of life.. will be having new family.. will be a good wife to someone I love, a good daughter to my parent and in-law, a good sister to my beautiful and handsome brothers and sisters, and a good friends to everyone.. and not forgetting, I always ready to dedicate myself to ALLAH.. insyaALLAH..

Ahh... what a nice world I have... :)

..Sahabat? Tengok dululah..

Sekali lagi menulis dengan bahasa sendiri..
Bukannya terkilan..sekadar berkongsi..
Sebelum mula, bersihkanlah hati..
Agar kata tidak menyakiti..

Ku mulakan dengan nama ALLAH yang Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Mengasihani..

Kesal, terkilan, marah, sedih.. Semua emosi ada.. Bercampur jadi satu.. Bersyukur, masih ada yang menyayangi walaupun terluka sana sini.. Tak mengapa.. Lumrah kehidupan.. Harus warna-warni.. Kelam kalau satu rona sahaja.. Baju pun nak berbunga-bunga.. Kan? :)

Aku sebenarnya tak suka nak menulis tentang perkara-perkara sebegini.. Sebab bunyinya macam mengata walaupun ditulis secara umum.. Tapi keadaan sekeliling membuatkan kata-kata ini tetap nak termuntah dari hati dan emosi.. Kedua-duanya tau.. Bukan tak seimbang dengan hanya menggunakan satu elemen sahaja..

Kasihan melihat orang-orang yang takut dengan bayang-bayang sendiri. Merasakan diri sangat betul sehinggakan 1000 kebaikan orang ditutup dengan hanya kesilapan-kesilapan kecil. Perempuan, lelaki, tua, muda.. semua sama.. tiada pengecualian dibuat.. Yang buat aku tertawa kecil, sendiri mengaku diri baik, sendiri buat silap, sendiri sedar bahawa itu kesilapan sendiri, sendiri melarikan diri.. Hey kawan! Kelakarlah kau ni! Sumpah aku gelak guling-guling tengok keadaan kau yang tak senang duduk itu. Bak kata orang tua-tua, panas punggung. Heh! Maaf ya. Sudah terkasar. Sebab tu aku kata aku menulis kali ni menggunakan 2 elemen. :)

Maafkan aku ya ALLAH kerana mempunyai perasaan seperti ini. Mentertawakan saudara sendiri kerana kesilapan yang dia lakukan. Tapi apakan daya, aku tak pandai menipu. Apatah lagi berpura-pura. Jadi, lebih baik ku lepaskan saja. Bimbang nanti jadi dosa hati pula..

Maafkan mereka, mereka tiada nilai

Ibu bapa lalai dari kecil dah diabai

Tanpa kasih sayang, mereka suka menyakiti

Kita kongsi warna mata tapi tidak warna hati

Ternyata, lirik ini betul berdasarkan apa yang aku lalui. Kasihan apabila orang-orang yang kurang kasih sayang ini tidak pernah mahu mengakui kesilapan sendiri. Hanya mahu orang lain memenuhi kehendak mereka. Tapi, dah nama pun kurang kasih sayang.. nak buat macammana lagi..

Jangan ahli sihir seru nama maharaja

Nanti segerombolan hantu bisu yang menjelma

Guna hak berfikir sebelum hak untuk bersuara

Kalau terpelajar sila guna hak miranda

Maaf saudari, saudari memang telah menjadi ahli sihir yang menyeru nama maharaja ini sehingga segerombolan hantu bisu telah berkata-kata.. Saudari pergi, saya sedikit pun tak kesal.. Malah sudah menjangka ini memang akan terjadi. Jangan saudari berpaling lagi kalau tidak mahu malu, ya!

Aku maafkan kamu

Tak perlu kita bertemu

Cukup kau tahu yang aku maafkan kamu

Tolong teruskan hidup

Jangan sebut namaku

Kepada sekalian sahabat, teman, kawan.. Jangan sesekali mementingkan diri sendiri.. Jadilah kawan yang baik kepada semua orang.. Berkawan bukan bermakna "anda single, kawan anda juga harus single" dan "anda berdua, tak pedulilah kalau kawan anda single". Bukan juga bermakna "anda susah, anda cari kawan anda" dan "anda senang, lantaklah kawan anda nak gembira atau menangis". Kawan adalah orang yang walaupun jarang dihubungi, namun tetap di hati.. Kawan adalah orang yang sudi berkongsi suka duka hidup dalam alam ni. Kalau anda tidak mahu merasa kehilangan, jangan jadi kawan yang 'jual ikan'.

Oh! Satu lagi pesanan. Doakanlah yang terbaik untuk kawan-kawan anda walaupun perangai kawan anda itu memang yang paling teruk yang pernah anda jumpa. Sebab kebaikan tu akan datang kat kita juga nanti. Tak perlulah menilai; "dia jahat, saya tak perlu berkawan dengan dia sebab saya baik dan berhati mulia", kerana semua itu bullshit!! Semua orang pun ada baik dan buruknya. Anda tidak terkecuali. :)

p/s: kepada bekas kawan aku yang sekarang dah melarikan diri tu, maaf..aku tak boleh tunggu kau untuk bertunang.. aku jugak tak boleh penuhi permintaan kau untuk tinggalkan tunang aku.. sebab alhamdulillah.. buruk baik dia, aku terima seadanya dan begitu juga dia.. dan dia memang serius bersama aku.. kalau tak, dia tak akan menunggu bertahun-tahun untuk kami bertunang dan insyaALLAH berkahwin.. walaupun kau kata "tak semestinya dia melamar kau selepas 3 hari kenal dan semua lancar, dia itu jodoh yang baik buat kau", tapi aku tetap percaya dengan apa yang ALLAH dah tentukan untuk aku.. ALLAH yang tentukan hidup aku tau.. bukan kau.. maaflah kalau sepanjang proses majlis pertunangan itu berlangsung aku sedikit sibuk.. tapi sesibuk mana pun aku, aku ada juga masa untuk bersama kau saat kau menangis teresak-esak disebabkan keadaan keluarga kau.. bukan mengungkit.. tapi sedarlah kalau selama ni, kau tak lah perfect sangat untuk dibanggakan.. maaf ya.. semua orang pun ada baik dan buruknya, ada senang dan susahnya, ada bahagia dan deritanya.. aku doakan kau jumpalah dengan lelaki yang boleh tunduk dengan segala arahan kau.. mudah-mudahan kau boleh jadi mem besar dalam rumah kau nanti.. :)

..Wahai saudaraku..

Wahai saudaraku..

Ada beberapa perkara yang kamu perlu tahu tentang wanita di sekelilingmu. Ambil berat tentang perkara-perkara penting ini dan kamu tidak perlu takut tentang kehilangan melainkan yang telah ALLAH tentukan..

Wahai saudaraku..

Tiada apa yang lebih diinginkan oleh seorang wanita melainkan perhatian dan kasih sayang. Wang dan hartamu tidaklah dia hiraukan jika perhatian dan kasih sayangmu tak pernah berkurangan. Dia akan sanggup berkongsi segala kesusahan jika kamu tidak pernah mengabaikan kehadirannya. Lupakah kamu bahawa di sebalik setiap kejayaanmu akan berdiri seorang wanita?

Wahai saudaraku..

Tepatilah janjimu walau sesulit manapun itu. Janganlah kamu berjanji jika semuanya tidak pasti. Akan mereka kenang segala kebaikanmu. Kemaafan pasti akan menjadi milikmu sekiranya kesilapan berlaku di sekejap waktu..

Wahai saudaraku..

Fahamilah dan dengarilah setiap luahan hatinya. Jangan biarkan dia menangis sendirian kerana ALLAH telah memberikan 1001 tanggungjawab di atas bahunya. Ketahuilah bahawa dia menangis bukan untuk simpatimu. Dia menangis hanya untuk melepaskan segala kepenatan dan bangkit kembali meneruskan perjalanan..

Wahai saudaraku..

Jika dia berpaling muka darimu kerana terluka hatinya oleh sikapmu, akuilah. Mohonlah kemaafan dan pujuklah. Kemanjaan itu akan melembutkan hati sekeras batu. Jika ada silapnya, tegurlah dengan cara yang paling berhemah agar hatinya terusik untuk berubah. Bukan dengan herdikan, kerana itu akan menghasilkan kekerasan. Maka kamu tidak akan mendapat perubahan yang kamu inginkan..

Wahai saudaraku..

Hargailah kehadirannya sementara dia masih di sisimu. Jangan nanti apabila dia berlalu pergi, barulah kamu mengakui bahawa dia yang terbaik untukmu. Masa itu sudah terlambat untuk kamu mendapatkannya kembali. Dia tidak akan sewenang-wenangnya meninggalkanmu jika dia tulus mencintaimu. Jika dia sanggup melukai hatinya sendiri dengan meninggalkanmu, itu bermakna dia amat kecewa denganmu. Selangkah mereka pergi, mereka tidak akan kembali lagi..

Wahai saudaraku..sedikit perkongsian untuk kamu fahami..

Aku wanita punya hati nurani yang tak dapat dibohongi

Pabila cinta telah membutakan mata dan membuat tuli telinga

Apakah salah jika aku menyinta?

Apakah salah jika engkau ternyata pilihan hati, belahan jiwaku ini?

Cintaku ini anugerah terindah dari Yang Maha Kuasa

Cintaku padamu tak pernah berubah meskipun kita berbeza

Apakah salah jika aku menyinta?

Apakah salah jika engkau ternyata pilihan hati, belahan jiwaku ini?

Aku wanita, ku kaum hawa yang memang rapuh hatinya

Aku wanita, ku punya cinta selayaknya manusia

Apakah salah jika aku menyinta?

Apakah salah jika engkau ternyata pilihan hati, belahan jiwaku ini?

Aku wanita yang hanya perlu kau fahami..

p/s: ilham dari blog seorang saudara yang bertajuk 20 perkara yang membuatkan wanita benci lelaki

..Changes..

I am all alone. In an empty house. It let my mind go anywhere it want. To the past, even though the past was just 5 minutes ago. Thinking, dreaming, analyzing..

These past few weeks taught me lots of things in life. Lots and lots of it. Good and bad. Love and hate. Funny and sad. Everything called life. Mine got few changes. Others might have one too. Shall we be very grateful on all the changes? Let's say it. Alhamdulillah.. :)

Personal. Since I am currently engaged, of course the plan to get married is there. More and more people keep on asking when is the date. Me? Can't answer such question because the answer is with him. But it is soon insyaALLAH. Just waiting for the rezeki. But I already have one ring for that. Yippie! ;) More preparation is coming i.e. my kursus kahwin and the HIV test and etc. Be patient for the date people. Will update with you guys once it's known. :)

Career. Alhamdulillah. After 6 months working with iMAXX Services Plus, I passed my probation period with flying colours (sounds like exam though..hehe..). Yeay! For this, lots of thanks to ibu, my beloved fiance Mohd Hafiz Ismail and all colleagues that gave me lots of supports for the past 6 months. Oh! not forgetting those who never like me (only one person do I guess) in that office. Sorry, but I don't mind at all. You have to know that you are nothing to me. Say whatever you want to say, people still know who is right and who is wrong. Thanks for the past weeks, now I know not only me who hates you, but almost all of them. Don't cry dear. Think what is your mistakes and just say sorry for that. Simple.

Friends. New are coming. Old has gone. It's like a cycle. But I don't mind. Only the real best friends will stay with you through laugh and tears, stone and sea. And I am glad I have lots of them. For those who has gone, thanks and sorry, but I don't care. Live your life. I forgive you, so don't come back to me. You are good enough to have your friends, and my life is good enough without you. For those who stay, you are appreciated much in my life. I am busy, I admit it. But I am building my career and my new life. And I never forget you. You are always in my pray, my heart, and my mind. Much love for you! :)

And this, is for you, who has gone. Far away. I'll find someone like you. :)

I heard that your settled downThat you found a girl and you're married nowI heard that your dreams came trueGuess she gave you things I didn't give to you
Old friend, why are you so shy?  Ain't like you to hold it back or hide from the light.   I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited, but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight itI'd hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me, it isn't over
Never mind, I'll find someone like youI wish nothing but the best for you tooDon't forget me, I begI remember you said "Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"  Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead
You'd know how the time fliesOnly yesterday was the time of our livesWe were born and raised in a summer hazeBound by the surprise of our glory days Nothing compares, no worries or caresRegrets and mistakes, they're memories madeWho would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Never mind, I'll find someone like youI wish nothing but the best for you tooDon't forget me, I begI remember you said "Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"  Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead...

..Judgmental - a typical Malay mindset..

Today is Wednesday. But since this morning I had a 'Monday blues' feeling. Erks! Something is not right. It is, actually, but it's not the thing that I want to focus here. Can't hide it, but can't show it either. So, let it be like how it supposed to be..

Talking to an old friend had really cheer up my day. Well, not exactly talking. We were ym-ing (where the hell did I get this word?haha!) while I was in the office (yeah!sounds naughty, I know.. =P) doing my work. And she is not a really OLD friend like someone I knew since I was in my kindergarten years. Nope. We were being friends since we were in our matriculation year. Accidentally we were in a same class and a same tutorial group. ALLAH's fate, we also went to the same university and staying in the same college. But one thing I realized while talking to her is, she always be with me. Sharing the laughters and tears. And suddenly I was laughing to myself, simply because I think it's funny to know the fact that someone you think is not your good friend is actually the one and someone you think is the one is actually not..

Judgmental. It's a typical Malaysian mind. Same goes to me here, though. I saw someone. A guy. He's so selekeh, wearing a half-buttoned shirt, slipper and walking like a lazy man. In my mind I thought, he must be a kampung man who like to berfoya-foya all the time and not having responsibilities towards his family. Or he might be a man who has 2 wives, or maybe 3. Haha! My mind is so naughty! When my fiancees food is ready, I already forgot about this man. Again, ALLAH's fate, I saw him. This time, he is with HIS WIFE and his CHILDREN. They were eating and talking happily and there were lots of foods on their table. Adoiyai.. Hahaha! I was so wrong! Pity him..

Don't make judgments towards people. Strangers or not, everybody has their own character. Sometimes you might think a person is good, but that person might also turned out not to be one. So, the best way is, don't put any hopes, and learn to accept people as who they are..

"Anyone who does not love, will not be loved either" - Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)